What would you rather: toilet paper or the bum gun?

Loo roll is arguably one of the most inconvenient items of convenience created. I can recall countless moments in the past perched on the porcelain throne, that empty gut feeling as you find yourself glancing over an empty roll of disappointment; dashed with the remaining patches of silky smooth paper.

You kick yourself for not checking first, knowing full well that you were far too busy beating your high scores on Candy Crush to even bother checking.

You scan the bathroom in a crazed panic, back straight, head raised, eyes shifting rapidly. Deflated you slouch down and accept defeat, its official – you’re up %&$# creek without a paddle.

You take a brief moment to go rack your brains and go over your options.

You cry out for aid, but no one’s home; everyone is out, no doubt shopping for toilet paper. You’re on your own! But wait… what about the toilet down stairs? There is bound to be a fresh roll.

Reluctantly you stand up, bottom clenched and all a quiver, pants bound tight around your ankles. You crab walk your way over to the door one baby step at a time.

CLING CLING CLING goes the belt buckle as you crab your way downstairs, slowly and with great difficulty you conquer each step, gripping the banister tight; you wouldn’t want to slide down the lovely beige carpet now would you?

Eventually you arrive at your destination and let loose a drawn out sigh as you open the door, staring down at an empty roll of disappointment; dashed with the remaining patches of silky smooth paper.

Now…imagine if you had a bum-gun handy?

I spent some time living in Thailand and although the bum gun was only a minor wonder in comparison to the evident beauty that bristles throughout Thailand; the bum gun is without question worthy of some well-deserved recognition.

Whilst everyone else is smudging away in the western world I was on the other side with a squeaky clean bottom going to the toilet with confidence every single time. And it got me thinking; being one of the most advanced countries in the world, why has England never bothered to incorporate the bum gun? I have given it some thought and would like to share my theory with you.

The reason is: teenagers. If the bum gun was introduced in the UK no one would ever be safe stepping into a public toilet again. Picture an old man shuffling his way over to the urinal, trying his best to squeeze out the first drop of wee in three days; unbeknownst to the imminent threat that lurks behind him. Three hooded teenagers squatting in separate cubicles with bum gun in hand aimed at their unsuspecting victim with an unrelenting intention – there would be anarchy.